Sometimes you watch a movie that is so terribly awful it is difficult to put into words.
Sadly, however, being a journo type, words are my hobby. Somehow I have to pass on the sheer excrement value of the movie I've just watched.
Right, let's see...I need some adjectives. 'Confused', 'Badly Acted', 'Rabid dog shit covered in radioactive arse waste of evil mutant zombie cats that have eaten shit for half a year then died and roasted in old sewage before shatting out this film'.
Yep, those fit.
Ghost Rider follows the model put forward in comic to movie marketing documents. That for every two good comic book films, one has to be truly crap. Thankfully, like the curse Johnny Blaze chooses to carry for us all, this movie fulfills the latter role.
The background story is actually quite strong, involving a faustian pact which results in the devil cheating Johnny out of his soul and sending him after some very unscary opponents. Johnny is a bike rider, who rides a bike for evil which turns him into fire and he has powers which means he collects the devils debts. Sadly none of this story gets put into the film.
It isn't even a decent kids comic book movie, sure there's some good action and nice effects (Although not all nice, watching the end scene where the devil is standing in the church makes you realise how horribly superimposed the actors are). I gave up trying to follow the story halfway through and just watched for the leading ladies boobs everytime she thrust them into view.
Here is a sample of the dialogue, truly of Epoisode III standard: "I love you for who you are. This is who you are, who you were always meant to be." YAWN.
The bad guys are not scary, the film is a series of different scenes badly cut together that seem completely unconnected, the plot makes little sense and frequently dissapears only to poop up again as convenient. Random legends and myths are thrown in, but there's nothing apocalyptic, epic or even remotely magical about the outcome. It just looks like bad sci-fi TV gone wrong. Huge swathes of characterisation are left untouched and plot holes abound (Who are the demons aiding the devils son? Where do they go? If the son has no soul and Johnny kills the others, where does he go? What happens to the woman? How about the million people who saw Johhny turn into ghostrider and tear up a city and throw a police helicopter on film? What happned to the secret rider? Why did he wait to reveal himself? Who are the villagers of this place and why havn't they been damned?) The film left me with endless questions and an annoying feeling I had made a deal to spend two hours watching it and was cheated out of that time.
It's not all bad, you get the sense that Cage is sleepwalking through his lines but he's still entertaining enough to watch. There's also a kind of feeling that there was a wealth of material to go on from the comic books and the writers tried to cram way too much in. But aside fomr that and the leading ladies breasticles, this is one to burn in the eternal pit of bargain bin hades and never ever touch.
Verdict? Don't even bother to warez it.